Saturday, February 19, 2011

life after loss

Ecclesiastes 11:5 as you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body was formed in a mothers womb so you cannot understand the works of God, the Maker of all things

For anyone who doesnt know, about two weeks ago we lost what would have been our sixth baby to an early miscarriage. This was not my first run in with the dreaded m-word. Unfortunately many many women have encountered miscarriage and many of those women have shared their stories and experiences with me. I want to thank you, it is always comforting to know you are not alone and no one can understand like those who have been in your shoes.

So many have showed me kindness and asked how we are doing? and I'm sure many others are wondering but don't feel comfortable asking (the plague of a miscarriage mom, nobody really knows what to say).  I wanted to write and give an update as well as share my story. I know for many people a miscarriage is very private and that is ok, in a way my blog is very private to me  no matter how many people can read it and this is just what i do :) Most women are uncomfortable talking about it. Either they have been there and its emotional, or they have no clue what its like to suffer a loss. Id like to think that I fall somewhere in the middle being both on the receiving end of blessings and losses.

Well, how am I doing? Ill give you the answer you almost always get from me. Great. I am physically healthy, i have 5 beautiful blessings, a loving husband and though my heart aches for the children i have lost, i am grateful always for all that I have received. There are times when it hurts more than others, usually an hour or so everyday. It becomes less over time but hits like a brick every so often. I haven't cried in days but that doesn't mean that I wont. But really and truly, for the most part I am ok.

It has been about two weeks since I noticed the signs of miscarriage. At 8wks there was spotting. Not too concerning but abnormal for me. Looking back, i knew. I called my husband home from work and laid down to rest, praying it would cease and all would be well tomorrow. The next day the spotting was still there and so I went to the doctor. I received a blood test and an u/s. I saw my baby (measuring small) and saw a heartbeat (a little low). I was sent home feeling positive assuming the pregnancy was younger than i had thought. I laid down thinking of my beautiful tiny baby and how scary the day had been. Beau took some of the kids to the grocery store, both of us assuming things would be fine and I should res.  With no warning, my blessing was lost. The baby whom I had just met, whose heartbeat I had just counted hours before, was resting warm in my hands. At the ultrasound this baby measured 5.6wks. I held this tiny child of mine still in his/her sac. There were tiny hands and feet, there was a face all a bit larger than a golf ball. Looking back I wish I had a picture of this miracle, how amazing something so small could be so perfect. And then came the tears.....The realization that this was real, this was really happening to me, again. I could not say the words for hours. Beau and the children came home and sometime much later after dinner I told them.

From the moment a mother becomes pregnant she loves the baby. She has thought of everything even in just a few weeks. Her plans have changed and that child has a place in her heart. It helps to have many arms at home to hug, but it is by no means easy. My last miscarriage was at 15wks and was much harder in every way. To see my baby was a blessing. It removed the up and down emotions that followed my last loss. I knew my child was gone and knowing that for sure was much easier than wondering for days/weeks if things would be ok. I am thankful.

I know that God has a plan for this. There was a purpose fulfilled, a lesson taught. I know the Lord had me carry this child for just a few short weeks to serve a purpose. This was his will, and though it is hard, i am ok with that. I am not angry with God or even myself. I know there is little one can do to cause or prevent a miscarriage. This was simply meant to be.

Perhaps the Lord will see fit to bless us again. Perhaps not. Either way I will be praying for a healthy pregnancy for all of my many many expecting friends and I will be praying for the many mamas suffering from loss as well.

romans 8:28 and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose